The Tale of Seven
by Teamawesomefinearts
Summary: Follow the quirky adventures of Link's illegitimate children as they unite on the quest to find their father.
1. Chapter 1

The Tale of Seven

1

Sleeping in the barns wasn't exactly my idea of comfort, but I'd rather smell like a steaming pile of moo-moo dung than be sleeping with the octoroks. Hyrule was never my kind of town anyways. I just wonder why people take so much offense to the heritage of others. You'd think a gang of thieves would enjoy having the illegitimate heir to the throne of Hyrule in their midst. It's not as if I posed a threat to the organization; my family certainly wasn't looking for me. Odd how one's past can always catch up; you never get used to being haunted by a past you never even had the privilege to live. Most people tend to only know what they hear, but when they start hearing thing like how, "That legendary hero got to tap that!" things can get out of hand. It's not good for a child's well being to hear about his illegitimate father's sexual exploits while he wanders the street, thrown out of his home, but I digress.

It's been about five months since I'd been recognized, turns out my home wasn't the only place I wasn't welcome; most people would have lived to personally throw me out of Hyrule, but I had no problem living in the shadows. Dens of thieves and petty crooks accepted me, they didn't know who I was, most didn't care, but whenever they discovered my past death threats were sure to follow. And now was no different, shame really, my last group was probably the least grungy one I'd ever belonged to. I must show them some respect at least, for they were the first mob to actually succeed at running me out of town. Not that I had to go far, few people can track me for long. Thanks to my skills, developed from years of a life of crime, I didn't have to flee any further than Lon-Lon Ranch. My arrival here was accompanied by bright lights in the sky, and a woman shooting at some orange, pumpkin-like creatures from her horse, so I hid in the barn for the time being. I can still hear noises out there. I'll just rest until daybreak; I hope not to wake in the middle of more turmoil.

I awoke not to the sounds of some mysterious battle outside, but to the thunderous roar of a moo-moo farting in my face. Needless to say, I evacuated the barn immediately. Crisp summer air was a welcome refresher from the fetid stench of the barn, but I still felt like I could use a bath. Getting a bath shouldn't be too much of a task thanks to my infallible guile. I'm sure I could convince the country folk here to provide me lodgings, hopefully far, far away from the barn.


	2. Chapter 2

2

Yesterday _they_ showed up again. I'll never understand why they want to steal our cows so bad, but Mom said I was old enough to deal with them. She was right. I've always been an excellent marksman, even on horseback. Mom says that I get my talent from father, but I don't much care for a man who left my mother before I was born. Nevertheless, Mom says she loved him, but I honestly don't think he loved her. I wouldn't ever hurt her feelings by telling her that though.

Mother told me that we had company, so I quickly got dressed and watched my grandfather trying to drive another visitor away from our ranch. Unlike others, however, this visitor was determined; he ran circles around Grandpa with his quick tongue, and Mom finally convinced Grandpa to leave the visitor alone. Mom offered to let him stay in the guest room; she said that he reminded her of dad. If that's the case, father must have been some stinky, effeminate sleazebag. I've got a bad feeling about our visitor.

It figures that I found the lay-about freeloader sleeping. Not only did I not want such a filthy man lying in the guest bed, I also can't stand to see such a potential work force go to waste, so I made the little blighter clean the barn! The barn, home to the foulest of the foul would be the only haven this visitor would find under my watch.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Indeed luck has been a lady tonight, a disgusting, ugly, morbidly obese lady, because of all the places I could be spending my time at this place, it happens to be the god-forsaken barn! Do you know what it's like to clean a pile of excrement that's bigger than you are? I think I found a skeleton or two in there, and vigorously struggled to avoid the same fate. Through all my life, I have lived in dark alleyways and grimy hovels, but I would never have imagined how disgusting animals could be.

In the end, I was left with a stench so potent, that no amount of water, soap, or even acidic substances could remove the smell from me; perhaps the smell is imbedded into my very bones. I've come to the conclusion that death would have been a favorable fate to this, and that woman. Indeed hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and I doubt that most women could dream of possessing the fury of this woman. I don't recall wronging her, but she torments me as if I had dealt her a grievous wound.

Finally, the woman has left me to sleep at the urging of someone who I assume is her mother. I suppose it's too much to ask to never know what it feels like to sleep in a coating of feces, but again I digress. I must find a place to live – not here – where I can be respected and successful, and I've realized that Hyrule will never be that kind of place for me. But where, where could I go? Anywhere I suppose, as long as I never come near another barn in my entire life.


	4. Chapter 4

4

Success, I've finally driven that cur away, but I feel _empty_ somehow. My mother seemed so affectionate of our visitor, and I think it may have hurt her for me to be so cruel to him. In fact, I can't really figure out why I was so cruel to him, but no worries, he will be gone and I won't have to think about it any more.

Or so I thought. My mothers confounded interest in that visitor infuriates me. She had asked him where he would be going, and apparently – in her words – "That man is going to go make a name for himself." Mother wants me to accompany this man, and for what? You'd think she knows something I don't; that she's got some kind of plan for me.

Besides the stench, I can tolerate this man, though I don't even know his name. I apologized for my previous behavior, but I'll never understand what my mom sees in this man. I don't even think he knows where he's going; my only hint that it's neither Hyrule nor a barn. I only wonder, why the obsession with barns?


	5. Chapter 5

5

May the four goddesses have mercy on my soul! I am a most wretched being indeed, for I have taken into my custody the very being that tormented me so. I regret that I am so . . . receptive to the pleas of women, but I must show my thanks for such hospitable behavior . . . I apologize for my ranting. I have been entrusted to take this "woman", if one would call such a rough and tumble creature a woman, with me. I don't understand why, but the girl's mother requested that I take her along with me on my journey; she said she saw some _grand destiny_ in me. I guess she has good tastes, and who am I to deny such a kind person's request.

In the least, the girl apologized for her past behavior, and she hasn't said much since we departed. I still get a feeling of hostility from her, though, and I don't even know her name, not that she knows mine either. I suppose its better that way; I don't want to get too accustomed to her presence as she'll probably run away in the night. After all, I have no intention of making this journey easy, I'll be trekking mountains, crossing rivers, and slaying all manner of beasts on my way, and I scarcely find that a girl of her age and temperament could withstand such arduous tasks. I do wonder, however, if I have the materials I need, so I suppose my first stop is the nearest city.

I've come to the realization that I have no idea where the nearest city is, and I can't possibly go back to market town. But I suppose spending a week or two wondering around Hyrule field has to offer some fruitful insight.


	6. Chapter 6

6

Now I'm sure this man doesn't know where he's going. I've spent the last couple of days wandering around while he gets mauled by various creatures. It was especially funny when the Stallchildren got to him; of course I stepped in to make sure he was only mauled within an inch of his life. While the entertainment factor makes this journey bearable, we don't have much of a food supply left. While I'd love to give him directions to Kakariko Village, the man refuses to listen to me, but I'm sure the hunger will get to him eventually.

For such a scrawny man, this wanderer apparently has no need for food. It's been two days since our stores ran dry, and this man has shown no signs of hunger. He must be hiding food from me, but I haven't seen him eating it! Even beyond hunger, the constant injuries don't seem phase him. If this keeps up, I'll just go home and leave this man to die, seeing as though he has no sense of direction. I mean really, it's pretty easy to find what you're looking for on a giant _field_!

Since he won't take my directions, I've been secretly guiding the man to Kakariko Village. I've hinted, "Go this way, guy!", or, "Don't go that way, guy, you'll die!" You'd think travelling with someone whose name you don't know would be annoying, but I'd be fine if I never found out this man's name.

Wesley. His name is Wesley. Never before have I seen someone with such a fitting name. It's almost as if his parents could see into the future. I have refused to tell him my name until he's willing to take my directions. Eventually he must succumb to my request. He has to be dying to know my name, right?

I give up. Apparently this man would rather die that take any form of direction from me. What kind of misogynist is so unwilling to take advice from a woman? I can't imagine why someone would put themselves through so much torture. What's the point? I couldn't possibly imagine what's going on in his mind.


End file.
